Yo hepcats, it's been a long time, I shouldn't have left you, without a ranting 900 word essay to step to*let's start the reviews!

>THE BETA BAND - ASSESSMENT (SINGLE)
I saw Zane Lowe on MTV2 hyping this up good and proper so I was almost excited when I got the promo in the post. But on first listen it sounds like "I will follow" by U2. And how can that be good? Hang on; wait up - something's happened 2 minutes in. Some squiggly noises, raw guitar, heavier bass, reverse reverb, horn section - yowsah, it's a bit of a grower. I like that melancholy feel. I look forward to the video. Strange choice for a single though, I mean they've been away for ages and this is what they come back with, know what I mean? Maybe not, maybe it's just me, mardy old get that I am. 7.5 out of 10
www.betaband.com

>DOGS DIE IN HOT CARS - MAN BITES MAN EP
First up, it has a dreadful cover. And secondly, it's musically rubbish. The first track, Man Bites Man, sounds like a low budget wick wack Super Furry Animals. Track two is like the first, but acoustic and a bit Queen like. Who signs this stuff? Track three has plinky plonky guitar and reversed guitar and plucked guitar* ho hum* TO NO EFFECT* good grief. It really saddens me the waste of resources, energy etc put into this sort of junk. Who thought this was a good idea? Ooh, they've put like, a crying baby right at the end as like some really poignant comment on life maaaan - or not. Track four is jingly jangly indie loser nothing for student bars and no doubt the freshers from Wiltshire will think they're great but what the flip would they know? Get lost, Dogs Die In Hot Cars, and don't let me see you in this manor again or I'm going to kick you into next week, ya hear? Minus Sultans of Ping out of 10
www.dogsdieinhotcars.com

>YELLOWCARD - OCEAN AVENUE (LP)
First track starts off "I think I'm breaking out blah blah blah there's nothing for me here blah blah good god do I really believe what I'm singing is any good surely someone has done this sort of thing before oh yes they have why am I bothering then I don't really know I'd better stop"* and then the song ends* and then I wake up - sadly only the first few words of the lyric above is true and that gives you some idea of the clichéd foolishness that is Yellowcard. No doubt I will see them on MTV2 soon. Oh hooray! Hmm, I'd better flick through the other tracks in case the rest of the album is genius* back in a while*right I'm back, no all the other tracks are a big zero as well. Goodbye Yellowcard. Don't come back*. I'm giving you the red card! GEDDIT?!?!? Hey, they can't stop me laughing. Minus Green Day out of 10
www.yellowcardrock.com

>DELAYS - FADED SEASIDE GLAMOUR (LP)
This is on Rough Trade, so it should be good* but the first track reminds me of the Sundays and Suede. Is that good? No, it isn't. "The band spent most of last year on the road supporting the likes of Tim Burgess, The Coral and The Thrills" says the blurb on the back. Tim Burgess?? Who cares about him anymore (did anyone ever)? I listen to "top twenty hit Long Time Coming" and am less than amazed. You know what this is, this is background music for when they remake This Life. Sorry Rough Trade, don't know why you're bothering with this, give it to V2 or someone - oh hang on, you're bothering cos it'll make you a bit of money I guess. Not from me though, this is bland dull boring. Zero out of 10.
www.roughtraderecords.com

So Rashied, what do you like, cos you seem to hate most things you're sent for review? Well, thanks for asking, g. Here are a few of my favourite things at the moment.

1. CLOR - has anyone else seen the mighty CLOR live yet? They are awesome, like a pop Lightning Bolt. Just imagine that for a second and let it sink in, a pop Lightning Bolt. It exists. Seriously good stuff live and attracting lots of record company interest at the moment. Somebody sign them and make them famous. Please. Talking of LB:
2. LIGHTNING BOLT - check these loonies out if you haven't yet, they will blow your freakin' head off, pure and simple. And they're (just) a duo. See you down the front when they support the Boredoms on 30th March.
3. PATTI SMITH - I went to see Patti at St Giles in the Fields with my beloved the other day. It was a beautiful thing. Patti read some poetry (Milton, Blake etc) and did some songs with her band in a kind of stripped down stylee, appropriate for a church setting. It was flipping awesome and pure and emotional and she is like an atheist version of holy. Nice concept! So beat that, Delays, Yellowcard, Dogs Die In Hot Cars, the Wickety Wackers, whoever, whatever, you ain't ever gonna come the slightest bit close so - give up now. Cheers!
4. BRIAN WILSON - my beloved and I also went to see Brian do SMiLE at the Royal Festival Hall AND we had a box, you plebs. It was another near religious experience - when they did "Surfer Girl" I cried, I'm not afraid to tell you, it was THAT FRICKEN' GOOD!!! That doesn't happen very often, boys and girls. Can you imagine being a teenager in '62 and hearing Surfer Girl live? Good grief, and nowadays we get Dogs Die in Hot Cars. Life just isn't fair, is it. And SMiLE was just awesome as well, although it's gotta be said, now I've heard what will be the 'official version' it kind of takes the fun out of listening to the bootlegs and piecing this perfect album together that will never exist apart from in your own tiny mind.
5. FRANZ FERDINAND - what's this, Rashied likes something that students will like too? Well, when they're as uptight new wave funk handsome clever genius eighties referencing but updating it to 2004 good as this, well hells bells yes I do like it! So sue me! Just watch my funky bad hit self that dance floor!

So now you know.

Keep 'em peeled, party people!

Rashied the monstrous has left the building.