Under Mi Sleng Teng - Wayne Smith
Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap - AC/DC
Agitated - Electric Eels
Dip It Low - Christina Milian
Get That Dirt Off Your Shoulder - Jay-Z
Trick Me - Kelis
So Much Staying Alive and Lovelessness - Joan of Arc
Hex Enduction Hour - The Fall
Non-Alignment Pact - Pere Ubu
Whip It - Devo

And PAN SONIC's "KESTO". A quadruple CD set, no less. Gulp. Not being a big Prog type, I don't own any 4 cd sets, other than a compilation called "The Kings of Hip Hop", which I only bought as it had the super dope (and super rare) "Rip the Cut" by the Skinny Boys on it. Anyone else a Skinny Boys fan? Let's start a 'thread' on the Joyzine messageboard and feel good about ourselves. Anyhow, onto the job in hand. Oo-er.

CD1

Mayhem 1 Great big blast of white noise, then into a 87 style 808 beat distorted into metal territory. You know that Beastie Boys track that starts "Hello Broooooooooooklyn!!!" off of Paul's Boutique - it's kinda like that but through lots of distortion and Marshall stacks. I saw Pan Sonic live once, supporting Suicide at the Garage, and they were a lot more clean sounding then. This is great. It sounds like my speakers are more busted than they actually are. I want to join Pan Sonic and make this kind of racket.

Mutator Yo, track 2 has a backwards drum at the start like "Paul Revere" off of "Licensed to Ill". Are Pan Sonic secret Beastie Boys fans? Like me? A bit more restrained this one. Some old drum and bass hoover noises as well. Sweet. Actually, it goes on a bit. But I forgive them their indulgence.

Cavity Does sound a bit like a visit to the dentists, this one. Ho ho! I bet all the reviews say that. Big raw electricity type noises (like if you've ever stuck the end of your thumb on a guitar lead plugged into an amp, instead of plugging your guitar into it. Especially through a Boss Heavy Metal pedal. Go on, it's ok). I like it. Pain. I am a masochist. Helicopter type noises. Apocalypse now. The horror. Do you think my methods are unsound?

Fugalforce Into Miami Bass territory. Yo, work that booty. But it is a death metal electro booty. From Finland. I like the sound of that booty. And then comes the sound of a monster truck revving up over the top. Kinda like an ultra PoMo audio version of that Benny Bennasi video for "Satisfaction" where that nice lady revs up a chainsaw. She's purty. Do Pan Sonic do the booty clap? We should be told.

Louhi The revving noise is back. It is scary. Like the planes that descend over my house as they start their run to Gatwick or City. They sometimes sound like they're falling out of the sky. So does this.

Mayhem 2 It's back. Less distorted, still funky. Yow! Pete Tong should play this stuff. Dedicated to Bruce Gilbert of Wire, this one. I don't like the Beekeeper DJ sets. Sorry Bruce. Pink Flag was good though.

Halter Now this sounds like the Pan Sonic I saw live. A bit like a funkier "Geigercounter" by Kraftwerk. With funny spooky noises.

Centralforce Dedicated to Keiji Haino. Isn't he a mentalist Japanese free noise whammy bar slave guitarist? What's the connection? Well, it starts off quiet, then 2:38 in - the chainsaws of hell imitating a mentalist Japanese free noise whammy bar slave guitarist. Brilliant. This would totally shred live. Like, totally.

Diminsher Dedicated to Suicide, cos it is a 'tribute' to Rocket USA / Frankie Teardrop. Tain't no bad thing, to paraphrase Bryan Ferry. It's pretty damn good in fact. Though they don't start shrieking hysterically all over it about how they're going to kill their families. More's the pity, cos that woulda been kinda classy.

Mayhem 3 The beat is back. Like demented ragga this time. With big explosions. And a crazy airhorn. Teeeelllllllleeeeeeppppppaaaaatttthhhhyyyy.

Rafter Slow. Pulsing. Throbbing. Electricity. My new Mills and Boon novel is in bookshops now.

Gravity Sounds like what electroclash should have sounded like, instrumentally. Not as scary as some of the other tracks, mind.

CD 2

Distance Contact mike rattling sounds. And bonging from the inside of a cave. And the noise of when aliens transport people into their spaceship. And a kick drum comes in. And an 808 snare. With lots of reverb. Like Detroit techno in 1990, but with no concession to the idea of people trying to dance to it. Twinkly noises. A bit too theatrical for me.

Toads Good name. Hoover noises and electro beats a-gogo.

Current-Transformer Is the sound of a drum machine and a current transformer dancing the sweetest, nastiest tango. Or doing the booty clap.

Tasmania Good noises. Would have preferred an Ed Rush type drum pattern on it, though. A bit plodding. But if you're an architect you'll appreciate its glacial quality. So I'm told.

Cable 5 Again, the thumb on guitar lead noise, but this time sequenced into a Rocket USA type riff with a bit more swing. A big tease with the drum track though, as it never arrives. Saucy mare.

Light-Transformer Yo, it's Timbaland and Missy! In da house! It is just like them! With no vocals! And weird noises instead! You could do a good bootleg with this! I want 3 points on it, though, cos it was my idea.

Groundfrost-Being Oh, these crazy Finnish titles. Starts a bit like "Ghosts" by Japan. Continues like the start of "Ghosts" by Japan. Ends like the start of "Ghosts" by Japan. And that's not a problem. In fact, it's a good thing. "Tin Drum" is not appreciated (sing that in a Mark E Smith voice to the tune of 'Hip Priest', please).

Throbbing Cheeky! Dedicated to Throbbing Gristle, surprisingly, given the title. I only know "Hot on the Heels of Love". That's a great track though. I must buy more Throbbing Gristle. "Hamburger Lady" is the one, isn't it? This is good too, but not as good as "Hot on the Heels of Love". That has a simulated spanking noise on it. Which is what you want on a record. This is a bit disappointing - Pan Sonic's tribute to Throbbing Gristle should be a big noisy nasty monster and this is a bit tame, in comparison to the track in my head. Better than nu-metal though.

Exposure Demented random noises off a synth patch. You can do better than this. Unless you played it very loud over a PA system, in which case you'd blow everyone's eardrums out. That vood be very satisfying, ja? Ha ha, zey are all goink deff.

Telemites What are telemites? Termites with tv screens for heads? They will be the only thing left after a nuclear explosion you know. This will be their national anthem. I don't want to serve them. I will walk into the mushroom instead. Like a John Carpenter soundtrack for an even more horrible version of "The Thing", but with telemites in it. Arrgghh.

Prospekt Vernadskogo A synthesised match strike provides a rhythm track. A big wobbly noise like your worse drunken head spinning episode provides the melody. Then an electro-heartbeat and a heavenly choir. Then the heartbeat stops. Your heart. You are dead and in Pan Sonic heaven. Or hell. I cannae tell any more.

Arctic Bassline like "I am the Law" by the Human League. Superb. I love "Dare". My first album y'know. As well as a Rolling Stones double cassette compilation of the Decca years. Put 'em together and what have you got? My benchmark for good music for the rest of my life. Thank god it wasn't Brotherhood of Man and John Denver, eh? I digress. The bassline is joined by a big floaty drone noise and a slow skippy drum machine. This would be great to see live at the Brixton Windmill. Do you think we could sort it out?

CD 3

It is at this point that Pan Sonic decide to dispense with the trappings of bourgeois inessentials like drums and rhythms and go all sonic exploratory on yo ass. Or is the rejection of rhythm a rejection of fascism, in the way that the 909 hi-hat has become the new dance Hitler? If so, is CD3 onwards really the soundtrack to a brave new socialist republic? Could it be? Wow. As the tracks are now not really tracks in a Brittany Spears way, I will eschew tradition and have a lazy list format. Highlights include:

Sewageworld It is, isn't it. Actually features a flushing toilet about 0:40 in. And then we're into the sewers, sonically speaking. Very quiet for ages. The noise of the Tardis also features, or so I thought anyway.

Corridor Noise, tape delay, underwater submarine engines. I like submarines. They rock.

Sleep of Haddock Surely the best name for a track you've seen in a while. I am going to form a death metal band called Sleep of Haddock. And that's no lie, baby.

Air Radio static and skipping cds. And bombers flying overhead. This socialist world is a bit scary innit.

The final track, Lines, starts skipping about 10 minutes in and I don't realise for another five. Doh!

In summation, CD 3 is a bit like the stuff you hear in art galleries. That's ok. But it would also make a good horror soundtrack. That's ok too. Not brilliant, but ok. Ok? Ok.

CD 4 is just one track, "Radiation", dedicated to Charlemagne Palestine, who we all know as that cuddly old guy in the hat who gets tanked up and then bashes his hands to smithereens on fancy grand pianos whilst surrounded by cuddly toys. Or he was once, anyway. Nowadays he does very long organ drone music. Which is what this is. But more spacey sounding. With lots of bell-like tones and all the harmonics they bring to the party. It is very good bell drone music. More bells in music, I say. In particular, church bells are very underrated instruments and more use should be made of their facilities. So there.

Conclusion:

As long as you got that dirty ol' funk, Rashied's gon' luv ya. Pan Sonic got funk on CD1, the three "Mayhem" tracks in particular. There is then a gradual process of reduction, as all these electronica people like to have. That monk who took off all the strings on his instrument, as he no longer needed them to produce lovely music has a lot to answer for. But, y'know, it's better than the Libertines. If only the Libertines would take all the strings off their guitars. And sew their own mouths up. In fact, it's all pretty excellent. In a way, Pan Sonic are like the Ramones - tough, raw, basic components, jigged around into a variety of solutions. But they develop the Ramones theory from just harder faster louder to include softer slower quieter as well. That's around six squillion permutations. Apparently. Whatever, I like this album, in all its ridiculousness. Maybe it's because I've not been to the cinema lately. I dunno. But hey, if only everyone had such grand ideas. Even if they fail (like the majority of CD 3), they're pretty neat. Death to guitar rubbish. All hail electronic Finnish duos on Blast First!!

I award Pan Sonic's "Kesto" 85%. That's pretty darn good. Only beaten by Good Time Pony, Clor and Lightening Bolt so far. Illustrious company.

Till next time,

The R