If you want to have great sex, you’ve got to gain a better understanding of what the clitoris is, where to find it, and how to stimulate it for maximum pleasure. Once she’s adjusted to your finger, you can curl it up toward her belly button in a “come here” motion and press against the vaginal ceiling with your fingertip—this will stimulate her internal clitoral nerves. Once she’s adjusted, you can insert your middle finger as well. While you do this, you can integrate a more advanced move by pressing your hand to her mons pubis and pushing slightly upward—this will expose the clitoral head and make her more sensitive to your tongue strokes.

Kerner defines foreplay as everything that comes before clitoral stimulation. He explains that stimulating your female partner before touching her clitoris is necessary because women require anticipation to become properly aroused.Researchers from Northwestern University explain that rhythmic activity causes us to enter a trance-like state where the combination of intense focus and repeated motion forms neural pathways (highways for nerve signals) between different parts of the brain. They theorize that rhythm is what causes orgasm because with each repeated motion, neural pathways are extended and nerve signals reach further and further until the orgasmic threshold is reached. However, research in the area is very limited and this theory has yet to be proven. The truth is, unless you want a baby, you don’t even have to include penetration to have great sex! The entire clitoris actually goes from the top of the pubic bone all the way to the anus, and has a head, shaft, and base, among other parts. Some of it’s areas you can’t even see! Everything together makes up 8,000 nerve endings, which is more than anywhere else on the female body. Shortform note: Kerner notes that you should engage in foreplay for at least 10-15 minutes before your female partner will be sufficiently aroused, and research seems to mostly corroborate these claims. Researchers asked 152 heterosexual couples to report on how long they wanted foreplay to last and how long their foreplay actually lasted. On average, women wanted 19 minutes of foreplay and reportedly spent 11. Men wanted an average of 18 minutes of foreplay and reportedly spent 13. The average amount of time spent, 12 minutes, falls within Kerner’s 10-15 minute range.) Cunnilingus Just take, for example, the very act of sex! Men get almost all pleasure from penetration, but women can do better off without it. Penetration, in fact, will almost never lead to female orgasm.

Since school leaves us wanting, we fall for myths around great sex. For example, you don’t have to have sex every time you and your partner are in bed. In fact, foregoing sex sometimes is a key to higher pleasure when you do make love. Do you remember your sex ed class? How inadequate, awful, and awkward it was? Most of us don’t learn a thing in these classes. Whatever we do figure out about our body and how it connects with another, we’ll have to learn in private and the hard way. As a result, many of us suffer from a less-than-great sex life. Shortform note: Kerner says that foreplay—stimulating your partner before touching her clitoris—is fundamental for a sexual encounter because women require anticipation to become properly aroused. This is because whereas sex begins in the body for men, sex begins in the mind for women. This is due to the different levels of testosterone between men and women. Testosterone is the hormone that causes physiological desire and is typically much higher in men than in women. Consequently, women need more mental stimulation—what Kerner calls anticipation—than men to get sufficiently aroused.) Most believe that the key to good sex is long, hard penetration. But to orgasm, a woman needs to have her clitoris stimulated. Shorform note: While Kerner says your partner will need a short cool-down period before being ready for sexual stimulation again, experts explain that this isn’t the case for all women. While most women do need a short refractory period, some are able to have something called “rolling orgasms”—these are orgasms that lead seamlessly into one another. So rather than moving on to focus on other parts of her body after her orgasm, she may want you to maintain clitoral stimulation.)Touch her body tenderly—romantic touches such as stroking her hair, kissing her forehead, or rubbing her feet can increase mental and physical arousal.